Deboning Hot Wings as a Service

"VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely" (vajazzlemcdildertits) 04/11/2019 at 16:11 • Filed to: wings, hot wings, boneless, breadless, tenders, lazy, as a service

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Here is the situation.

I love hot wings. Eating chicken in hot wing form is typically pretty low on carb but high on flavor. It is superior to most boneless wings as they are essentially just chicken nuggets which tons of breading, occasionally which has so much breading you don’t get much chicken at all. And they’re about 2x calorically dense for less meat.

I am also one of the world’s messiest eaters . After a pile of a dozen sauced wings, I look like a toddler given a bowl of spaghetti. It is so bad that my wife occasionally gives me a full-on look of pity after we eat and suggest I wash up.

I have been googling around and while there are tons of pages showing how to properly eat a hot wing and get the full meat off, nobody seems to be owning the hire out process to do it for someone else.

Service staff at eating places will crack your crab and lobster shells for you, carve a slice of beef out onto your plate, toss your salad, or pour your wine, but they won’t pile a slab of wing meat onto your place with sauce on it. The best you ever get is a pile of wet naps or paper towels.

Why isn’t there a hire service that will allow you to bring a bucket of wings and let you leave with a box of bones and a tray of meat?

Buffalo Wild Wings has Naked Tenders which is just breadless grilled chicken tenders which are also acceptable, but wings are a messy pain in the ass to get all the meat off properly. I don’t mind getting grease on my knuckles working on my machines but I don’t want to look like Hannibal Lecter every time we do a wing day.

  Does anyone else want wing meat already off the bone that isn’t boneless wings?

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:25

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No, that’s part of the enjoyment, like watermelon or corn on the cob or eating peanuts or pistachios in the shell. I love wings, and have a pretty good technique. Never touching a wing with your ring or pinky fingers helps, and sometimes I can manage just using my thumbs and index fingers. Not sure what to tell you if you’re smearing sauce all over your face, though - ha!

I had some nuts and an apple for lunch, so I’ve got a mighty hankerin’ now...

Svend > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:27

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I avoid ch ic ken wings, which can be hard as some look so tasty. But it’s too messy and too much effort for such little reward. 

CalzoneGolem > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:29

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Low in carbs? Oh shit I just realized what I’m bringing for the next d&d night.

Ash78, voting early and often > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:29

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That’s the fun! Plus if the wing industry ever actually showed you how little meat was on a wing, they could stop charging $1 per wing.

Pepperidge Farm remembers when chicken wings were basically throwaways. They’d show up at the end of a menu as a specialty item, normally about $3 a dozen (and I’m ballparking that for inflation adjustment). 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CalzoneGolem 04/11/2019 at 16:38

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I am glad to have assisted in this decision. 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 04/11/2019 at 16:39

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Seriously, it goes all over my face, my mouth, my hands, and sometimes my hair, and always my clothes. In other operations I am precise and have good reflexes and coordination.

If I were held at gunpoint and forced to eat sauced wings but could not get sauce on anything but my fingers, I’d be leaving the dining table in a bodybag .

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Ash78, voting early and often 04/11/2019 at 16:40

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I remember going to The N ative N ew Y orker as a teen and scrounging up for a quarter a wing. Those were the days.

facw > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 04/11/2019 at 16:47

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All those other foods you mentioned can be eaten without getting your hands dirty though. I hate dealing with the mess wings make. Maybe I could eat them with chopsticks?

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:47

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Haha - you clearly cannot contain your enthusiasm for these delicious little chicken bits. 

Chariotoflove > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 16:47

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Once you pull that meat off the wings, all you have is scraps of meat without the nice sauced skin in the same bite. It looks like a mess that no one wants to eat.

They would take that wing meat and press it into nuggets, but people don’t want dark meat nuggets, because that’s somehow considered lower quality .

So, they make white meat nuggets or tenders for the folks that don’t want to suck on wings, and that’s how you end up with Buffalo Tenders on every pub menu .

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Chariotoflove 04/11/2019 at 16:50

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I always thought deboned wings would look similar to shredded chicken but look less dry.

I am just not a huge fan of breaded chicken, grilled or roasted is way more my thing. 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 04/11/2019 at 16:50

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I really can not. You are correct. 

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > facw 04/11/2019 at 16:59

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Not enough control. Chopsticks with Cheetos? Yes. 

Chariotoflove > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 17:13

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I think that’s what you would get, but then shredded meat is usually wrapped up in a burrito or on a bun or something, right?

I bet they like to use breaded ones because they can put the buffalo seasoning in the breading and also have the sauce soak in and cling better. I think you can buy unbreaded tenders, and I like grilled better myself, but I don’t see them that way in restaurants much.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/11/2019 at 19:12

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I think a lot of bars/alcohol based establishments around here subsidize the cost of wings. They might still be $0.35/wing (or more, I don’t know, I don’t go to those kinds of establishments) , but you have to order a drink with it.  And that’s where they make their money.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > BaconSandwich is tasty. 04/11/2019 at 19:19

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Yeah - drink costs are minimal compared to the markup at the liquid end result. 500% or more sometimes. It seems to work well for them. 

CalzoneGolem > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 04/12/2019 at 08:32

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You’ve done a great service to the party.